World's Strongest Threesome
by trigunning
Summary: Qrow reveals the source of his high-functioning alcoholism. Team RWBY is generally disgusted.


"So…." Weiss asks, drawing out the word uncomfortably, "why are you _always_ drinking?

Qrow Branwen, veteran hunter, secret society member, and professional alcoholic, peers up from the view offered by the inside of his flask, and turns to the scowling Schnee sitting left of his niece.

"Well Princess, I-"

"Hey!" "It's heiress actually." The two remarks come simultaneously, one from the outraged snow-clad girl, the other from quiet one in black. Qrow has never been entirely sure what to make of Yang's partner, but he supposes that a touch of level-headedness would be good for his niece. Both his nieces, actually.

"As I was saying, _your high and mighty Royal Schneeness_ " angry ice-blue eyes meet the hunter's mocking glare and are are rebuffed, "is that I've plenty of reason to drink. It's a big and bad world out there, kids, and part of living in it is learning what you've got to do to deal with it."

The Heiress' glare actually subsided, a pondering and somewhat dreary expression marking her features.

"If you don't mind me asking, what exactly started your…erm…coping methods?"

 _Straight to the point_ , the old hunter muses, barely suppressing a chuckle. _Just like her sister, though would that be a more literal point?_

"Well, it all started whe- "

"When you realized you didn't have the biggest sword out of all the hunters anymore?"

"When you realized that no woman would ever give in to your perverted wiles?"

"When you realized you were dusty and old?"

The elder hunter turns his reproachful glare away from Yang and Blake, and focuses his full look of betrayal upon his younger niece.

"Professor Ozpin's words, not mine" she sheepishly states, hands flying around in vague gestures of surrender.

"Hmmph, I'll have to talk to him about treating one's colleagues with the respect they deserve." The glare shifts back to Yang in an instant. "And what'dya mean I 'don't have the biggest sword'? Seriously, look it this baby, it's _huge_." The statement is punctuated with the massive weapon itself being slung onto a shoulder.

"Eh, have you _seen_ Yatsuhashi? Second-year student, probably makes actual mountains feel inadequate?"

"Pshh, I think you need your eyes checked little dragon. This right here is the biggest and the baddest of the bad." This earns a small pout from his niece.

"Anyway" Weiss interjects with the practiced air of someone who has done much interjecting, "my guess was that you drank to cope with the horror of having fought the Grimm for years."

"Wow, bit of a buzzkill, Weiss" Ruby says, piping after the twenty seconds of silence following the heiress' statement.

"Yeah, I'd say that wasn't very… _Weiss_ of a thing to say."

"Goddamn it Yang." Qrow and Blake look at one another in surprise, having spoken the same line at the same time. "Just, damn it" the elder Hunter continues slowly, "I get enough of that from your father."

"Yeah, good ol' dad. Fastest pun in the West, ya' know!"

The rest of the room collectively groans.

"Ugh. Just ugh. And no, before you ask, Tai's puns weren't the reason I started either, though they're definitely a reason to continue." This statement is punctuated with a swig from his flask. "Ahhh, Mistralian Brandy. The only reliable way to survive your father's jokes."

This earns another glare from Yang, who flicks her gaze to a giggling Ruby and back to Qrow, who reluctantly sheathes his liquor. "On with the story, old man."

"Fine, fine, you win" drawls the drunkard, hands lifting in surrender "it all started when I was around your age. A little older, probably midway through sophomore year here at Beacon."

Wide eyes stared at him.

"What…what could have been _that_ bad in your second year?" a stunned Weiss questions. "We've fought Grimm incursions and terrorists, and none of us having drinking problems. I think." She adds on the last statement and nudges Yang's leg.

"Hey! I can hold my own, in the ring or in a bottle! And what I do drink, _I burn_ right off." The brawler states, sliding into an exaggerated pose showing off her generous curves. Ruby buries her head in her hands with a sigh, Weiss stares for a moment before sighing disdainfully and turning away, Blake stares impassively for a short moment before lifting a book in front of her face, and Qrow claps her on the shoulder.

"I see you've learnt from the master" he beams, throwing out a pose of his own. "Nobody can resist that Branwen charm."

Yang abruptly freezes, expression blanking, and her teammates are not slow in following, their own expressions mixed with curiosity. They know that Yang has at least _talked_ to her uncle, and knows enough, but the blonde's own words make it clear that she does not know enough. And it's clear that it hurts.

"Sorry 'bout that, little dragon" he lets out slowly, the hand on Yang's shoulder turning into a half-hug that's only a bit awkward, "probably not the best stuff to joke about."

"It's alright, Uncle" Yang replies, winning smile returning after a moment. "I'm just glad I know _something_ now, you know?"

"I do kiddo, I do." There's a another short moment of silence before Qrow ruffles her hair and they sit back down.

"Ironically, the Branwen charm was part of the reason for this" he says, holding his flask back up and sloshing the liquid around for emphasis.

"Really? What, did you seduce a woman, fall in love, have her break it off, leave a hole in your heart that you could never fill, turn to alcohol to forget the pain of loss, and then have no other take an interest afterward due to being a smelly drunk?"

This time, every widened eye is fixed on Blake, who managed to deadpan her entire delivery. Qrow's left eye twitches slightly as if following the tempo of a piece of erratic electronic music.

"That's it, partner, you're grounded from your…novels for a week." To her credit, Yang actually holds her ground when faced with the dangerous gleam emanating the Faunus' gaze. The black-haired girl seems to be seconds from drawing her weapon and retreating with her…reading material.

"Now, now kids, none of that. As funny as it would be, I'm already invested in telling this story, so sit down and listen. Where was I?"

"You being alone forever?" Classic Blake.

"Shut up. But anyway, sophomore year. As you no doubt know, no time spent at Beacon is, by any means, normal. As you probably also know, most teams at Beacon are also _brimming_ with sexual tension." Qrow's face, somehow, is completely serious.

Weiss looks at Blake, who looks at Yang, who looks at Weiss, and more looks are traded in the next moment or so. Ruby simply cocks her head and gives her uncle a strange look, as if to say 'Really, Uncle Qrow?'

Qrow, after having shot a furtive glance at his other niece and her monochromatic teammates, turns back to his pupil. "Well, you see Ruby when two people love each other very, very much, sometimes they display that love in very…expressive ways. And sometimes, when people are holed up in close quarters in a combat school, learning to fight for their lives against monsters and training to their physical peaks while still in their developmental years…well, let's just say that there's a reason why Ozpin orders condoms in bulk."

"Hey! I hardly think that's an appropriate topic to broach with-"

"S'ok, Weiss, Uncle here gave me 'the talk' a long time ago! Like he always says, 'old enough to shank, old enough to hanky-pank'." The childish smile on Ruby's face, totally at odds with her words, is offset by the bloodcurdling expressions on the rest of her teammate's faces. Blake seems to be seconds from actually hissing, and Yang's eyes are the color of freshly spilt blood. Weiss' visage could freeze said blood in an instant. The brunt of their ire is enough to nearly send Qrow, an experienced Hunter used to this sort of shit, reeling.

"Okay, okay, no need for violence or other stuff, ladies" he laughs only slightly nervously, hands coming up in a more genuine expression of surrender than before, "so back to the story!"

"Fine" Weiss harrumphs, the statement echoed silently by her still glaring compatriots. Hands are taken off of weapons and a still smiling Ruby gestures for uncle to continue.

"So it was our second year, and my team, like so many others, realized that we had a _massive_ undercurrent of sexual tension going on. Not that you could blame us, we were all pretty damn hot."

"Groooossssss" Yang and Ruby chorus, avoiding the uncomfortable mental images of family arising from treacherous minds.

"So, after a few early missions that turned out…difficult, tensions broke and, well you might be able to guess what happened." Qrow looks about a second away from unsheathing his trusted flask once more.

"Oh no" Ruby mouthed. "Did you mess up with Mom? Or, AH! You didn't mess up with _Dad_ , right? Right!" The thought seems to overload the little red girl's brain, and she begins to writhe around spouting a mantra of 'ew, ew, ew'.

Qrow, long-suffering expression having solidified on his face, takes a deep breath before continuing. "No. I was the odd man out. That tends to happen when one of the participants is your sister."

A few of audience gasp slightly, and Qrow can see the unbridled pity residing in their eyes.

"And, you know, it's Beacon. That kind of thing had happened before, so it wasn't too out of the norm. But they were…were so _obvious_ about everything. Everything. After a while they wouldn't even give me advance notice to leave the room when…when…"

Interruption comes in the form of the flask, finally returned to Qrow's lips after his short period of suffering. He gasps after swallowing a larger than normal gulp.

"After, towards the end of our time at Beacon, we were strong. Strong than a lot of minted Hunters, really. So they started introducing themselves as the 'World's Strongest Threesome'. They usually added 'plus Qrow' or just left me to introduce myself. My, err, habit was already pretty well established, so I didn't find myself caring as much as I should have."

The room sits in silence for a moment.

Surprisingly, Weiss makes the first move, placing a delicate hand on the grizzled Hunter's shoulder.

"I am so sorry" she states with utter seriousness. After a moment of shock, the rest of the team follows suit in turns into a tense, light hug. They break apart a moment later.

"Don't worry, Uncle Qrow. I still think you're plenty awesome" Ruby chirps, unfailing sweetness bringing a slight smile to his lips, even as he looks back at the pointed looks the other three are giving each. Pointed, terribly _familiar_ looks. Oh no. Oh god.

"Never change, Ruby. And stick to milk, alright?"


End file.
